Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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