So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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