I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
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You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
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I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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