Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
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I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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