my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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