biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
