weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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