Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
