Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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