I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
