Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
