so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
this boner is exhausting
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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