can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
