The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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