I cut my penus on the lid.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
