when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
