Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
