oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sext me about skeletons
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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