Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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