At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my shit smells like andre
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
