just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
