Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
