once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
