i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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