Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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