thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
