just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
