im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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