the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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