I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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