Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I am one with the molecules
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
