I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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