She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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