My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
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This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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