Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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