she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Randomize
