Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize