girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm too high and old for this...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
