Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
