I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
