My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
