1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
