Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
