Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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