maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
