everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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