I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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