I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
