just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
