you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
