You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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