You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
