Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
