Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
40s are totally the cure
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
