I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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