My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Welp...herpes.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
