Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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