Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
