suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
