Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
