You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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