I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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